The secret to great sex isn’t strangers in strange places, or lacy red lingerie. It isn’t eating oysters or swapping partners in the dark back room at a party. It isn’t even organic sex lube from Bonk, although that never hurt your chances! The number one tip for enjoying a great sex life may not be what you expected.


When you love yourself more, you are capable of loving others more. You feel sexy and desirable and confident. You’re willing to take risks, be vulnerable, experiment. You’ll say what you want, and hold space for others’ opinions. You won’t accept situations that aren’t good for you, or get close to people who don’t value you. You’ll love your body, and love sharing it with people who love to love it too.


How do you create a heart bursting with self love?

In the face of daily messages that may come from from advertising, parents, acquaintances, partners, magazines or movies that we are not enough, standing strong is the journey of a lifetime.

Once you begin, each step is easier than the last, and you’ll be amazed how far you can go without reaching a final destination. Every day will lead to a more joyful, loving life – so the best time to start is now.


1. Listen to your inner voice and rewrite the script.

Shift from ‘eww muffin top, disgusting’ to ‘my skin is so silky’. Change ‘oh god I’m getting older’ to ‘I’m so grateful for how long my strong healthy body is taking care of me.’Notice when you tell yourself negative things – is it when you’re getting dressed? Or when you’re arriving at work? Is it when you’re around certain people? Make a little mantra and have it ready at those times.

2. Choose the people you invest your time in.

Be with people who value you and who you enjoy and value in return. Be kind to the rest, but move on without giving your time and energy. This applies triple-fold to partners.

3. Take away any power anxiety has over you.

Recognise that everything that has happened is unchangeable, and that reliving your regrets simply saturates your body with toxins. Remember that everything that you’re worried might happen, hasn’t yet, and invest your energy in planning for the right thing to happen instead of in worry. Realise that there are a lot of things you can’t influence, and that being anxious about them is not doing you any good.

Do what you can with what you have, now.

4. Treat yourself like your best friend.

Only judge yourself as you would your best friend. Be as kind to yourself as you are to your most precious people. Talk to yourself as you would talk to your nearest and dearest when they doubt themselves. Give yourself small gifts and pleasures.

You are precious!

5. Get outside & have an adventure.

Put your phone down and move that sexy body! Breathe fresh air, get your heart rate up and feel how good it is to be alive! Feel your muscles move and be grateful for them. Try something new – parachuting, sailing, surfing, sex outdoors! Do something daring, or just lie in the sun with a good book for a while.

Be IN your body, IN the world.

6. Take ownership of your sex life.

It’s not just who you have sex with, it’s how! Be honest with yourself about what and who you like. Ask for what you want and try new things (or new lovers). Share your fantasies and favourite positions. Take turns with your lover asking and receiving the sex you’ve been dreaming of. Buy the toy you’ve always been curious about, and try using your Bonk sex lube in different places for different games!

Sex should make you feel sexier, braver and more beautiful.


When it comes down to it, there is one immutable truth that applies to us all. We have one life, one body, one chance to enjoy being YOU, now. Every day that passes without you being kind to you, being glad to be you, is one less day to enjoy the rest of your life! Carpe diem.



Thanks to Elijah Hiett for the use of the main image.